By Dr. Elisa Shipon Blum 

If you are the parent of a child or teen with Selective Mutism, this exchange may feel very familiar: 

     You ask, "What did you do in school today?" 

     Your child says, "I don't know." Or shrugs. Or says very little at all. 

It can feel confusing or even discouraging, especially when you know your child had a full day. Here is the reassuring part: this response is extremely common, and it makes a lot of sense, particularly for children and teens with Selective Mutism. 💛 Let's talk about why this happens and how small shifts can make communication feel easier and more positive. 

Why This Question Is So Hard for Many Kids 

 At first glance, "What did you do in school today?" seems simple. In reality, it is a very big question. 

1) It requires a lot of mental work. 🧠

  • To answer it, a child has to think through the entire day, decide what matters, organize thoughts, find the words, decide how much to say, and then say it out loud.After a long school day filled with learning, social expectations, and managing anxiety, many children are simply out of energy. Saying "I don't know" is often the easiest and safest response.

2) Anxiety interferes with language access. 😟 

  • Selective Mutism is not about unwillingness. It is about anxiety blocking access to words. Open ended questions can increase pressure. Children may worry about saying the wrong thing, forgetting something important, or being asked follow-up questions. When anxiety rises, the brain often shuts language down. 

3) School is often a performance zone. 🎒 

  • Many children with Selective Mutism work very hard at school just to get through the day. They monitor themselves constantly, use nonverbal communication when needed, and manage social situations quietly. When they get home, they finally feel safe enough to relax. Asking for a full recap can feel overwhelming, even if the day went well. 

 

A Helpful Reframe for Parents 💡 

Instead of asking children to report on their day, try inviting them to share in ways that feel easier and more natural. This means lowering pressure, offering structure, and remembering that communication does not have to be verbal to be meaningful. 

What to Try Instead 

1) Ask specific and concrete questions 🎯

  • Rather than asking about the whole day, narrow it down. You might ask:
    • Did you have math or reading first today? 
    • Was gym inside or outside?
    • Did you sit with the same person at lunch?
  • These questions are easier to answer and help build comfort. Short answers are not a problem. They are a success. 

2) Use either or choices ✔️

  • Choices reduce anxiety and increase the likelihood of a response. For example:
    • Was art before lunch or after lunch?
    • Did you work on a worksheet or a project?
    • Was recess fun or just okay? 
  • Even a nod, a point, or one word counts as communication. 

3) Offer nonverbal ways to share and make it fun 🎨😊

  • Talking does not have to be the only way children share their day. Many kids with Selective Mutism express themselves more comfortably through drawing, writing, or play. You might invite your child to:
    • Draw one thing they remember from school
    • Write a few words or circle pictures
    • Use emojis or stickers to show how parts of the day felt
    • Build something with blocks or toys that represents school
    • Show you something they made or worked on
  • This keeps communication light and upbeat. Often, words come later, and sometimes they do not. Both are okay. 

 

 

The Big Picture 🌈 

Children and teens with Selective Mutism communicate best when comfort comes first and the pressure is removed. Communication can look many different ways. The goal is not a detailed daily summary. The goal is connection. 

Sometimes that looks like a sentence. Sometimes a drawing. Sometimes, sitting quietly together. All of it counts. 💛