By Dr. Elisa Shipon Blum

When supporting a child with Selective Mutism (SM), the natural instinct is to ask questions, encourage responses, or spotlight the child in hopes of building communication. Yet, what often helps most is shifting the focus away from the child and onto others first. By reducing direct expectation, we give children the precious gift of time to process and space to breathe, therefore lowering anxiety and setting the stage for more natural communication.

💡 Why Focusing on Others First Matters

Children with SM often experience heightened anxiety when all eyes are on them. Direct questions such as “What do you want?” or “Can you say hello?” may feel like demands, triggering a freeze response. Instead, when attention is directed elsewhere, the pressure lifts.

✨ Processing Time: Watching and listening while others engage helps children plan their own responses without being rushed

✨ Lower Anxiety: With the spotlight removed, a child’s nervous system can calm, making communication more possible

✨ Natural Engagement: Observing others’ model responses provides a roadmap for the child, leading to more successful use of strategies and interventions

🌍 Real-World Examples

🍽 At the Restaurant

  • Instead of the server asking your child first, you place your order. Your child watches, listens, and prepares. By the time it’s their turn, they’ve had time to process.

📚 In the Classroom

  • A teacher calls on a peer to answer a question first. The child with SM observes, notes the pattern, and feels less put on the spot when it’s their turn.

🎲 Playdates & Social Gatherings

  • Starting conversations with siblings or peers before engaging the child with SM creates a rhythm of give and take. By the time it circles to them, their anxiety has softened.

🌅 How This Supports Communication Progression

Within the Social Communication Anxiety Treatment® (S-CAT®) framework, progression across the Social Communication Bridge® depends on comfort, confidence, and reduced anxiety. Focusing on others first supports each of these steps.

💛 Comfort: The child feels safe watching rather than being forced to perform

💛 Confidence: Predictability increases — “I know what comes next”

💛 Communication: With reduced pressure, strategies like Common Questions, Sandwich Questions™, or Copy Back become more successful

It’s also important to remember that the stage of social communication a child is working on dictates how an adult may facilitate strategies. For example:

  • At the nonverbal stage, adults might model pointing, handing over, or gesturing before inviting the child to join in.
  • At the transitional stage, a parent or teacher may use a Verbal Intermediary® or introduce sound-based responses to scaffold comfort.
  • At the verbal stage, adults can practice scripts, greetings, and conversation expansion, always adjusting up or down as needed to support success.

In time, children who observe others first and have their ‘warm up’ time respected often surprise us by initiating, offering a smile, a nod, a whispered response, or even a verbal comment because they felt supported rather than pressured.

📝 A Parent’s Takeaway

Next time you’re in a social situation, try this:

✅ Let others go first

✅ Model calm, predictable responses

✅ Adjust strategies based on your child’s stage on the Social Communication Bridge®

✅ Watch how your child gradually leans into communication when the expectation is softened

Sometimes the best way to help a child speak is to stop asking them to speak first. By giving them the space to process and easing the weight of expectation, we pave the way for authentic, successful social communication.