By Dr. Elisa Shipon-Blum

A message from one parent to another

When my child first began treatment for Selective Mutism, I thought the focus would be entirely on helping my child speak.

What I did not expect was how much I would learn about myself along the way.

Like many parents, I spent a lot of time wondering what I was doing wrong, what I could do differently, and how I could help my child feel more comfortable in the world. What I eventually realized was that this journey was not just about my child learning to communicate more comfortably.

It was also about me learning how to truly understand my child.

Looking back, there are several lessons that changed my perspective as a parent.

I Learned That There Are Reasons Behind My Child’s Silence

One of the most powerful realizations I had during this process was understanding that my child was not choosing silence.

If he could speak in those moments, he would.

And if he was not speaking, there were reasons.

Before we began treatment, it was easy to assume things like, “He talks all the time at home, so why can’t he just do it here?” I sometimes wondered if he was simply being shy or unwilling.

But working with the SMart Center helped me understand something incredibly important. Selective Mutism is not about stubbornness or defiance. It is about anxiety affecting a child’s ability to communicate in certain environments.

Children with Selective Mutism often want to speak. They may know exactly what they want to say. But when anxiety takes over, their voice simply does not come out. Once I understood this, everything began to shift.

Instead of asking, “Why won’t my child talk?” I started asking, “What might be making this situation difficult for my child?”

The clinicians helped me understand that there can be many underlying reasons behind a child’s silence. Sometimes it involves social anxiety. Sometimes sensory sensitivities play a role. Sometimes it relates to language processing, fear of making mistakes, unfamiliar people or environments, or simply feeling overwhelmed in certain situations.

Understanding these factors helped me see my child in a completely different light. Even more importantly, I learned how to support my child in different settings.

Instead of expecting speech to suddenly happen everywhere, we learned ways to prepare for situations, reduce pressure, and help communication grow gradually.

I Learned That I Was Accidentally Putting Pressure on My Child

Before we understood Selective Mutism, I often tried to encourage my child by saying things like:

“Just say hi.”

“Tell them thank you.”

“Why won’t you answer?”

I thought I was helping.

But I eventually realized that these moments were actually increasing the pressure my child already felt.

Through treatment, I learned something that changed the way I approached these situations. Comfort comes before communication. Instead of pushing for speech, we began focusing on helping my child feel comfortable socially first. Small interactions started to matter more.

A wave. A smile. Handing someone an object. Making eye contact. These were not small things.

They were steps toward communication.

I Learned That Communication Is More Than Talking

Before this journey, I thought communication meant words. Now I understand that communication can take many forms.

Children communicate through:

  • gestures
  • facial expressions
  • pointing
  • writing
  • sounds
  • whispering
  • sharing objects
  • responding to others

Recognizing these forms of communication helped me appreciate progress that I might have missed before.

A nod became meaningful. A wave became a milestone. A whisper became a victory.

I Learned That Progress Happens in Stages

One of the biggest lessons I learned was that communication develops gradually.

Sometimes progress looked like:

  • answering nonverbally
  • whispering to a trusted person
  • speaking to peers before adults
  • talking outside of school before talking inside school

At first, I worried that progress was not happening quickly enough. But I learned that children with Selective Mutism move through different stages of comfort and communication depending on the setting and the people around them.

Once I began to respect those stages, I started to see progress more clearly.

I Learned That My Child Was Braver Than I Realized

Watching my child work through these challenges helped me see something remarkable. Children with Selective Mutism face situations every day that feel incredibly difficult to them, and yet they keep trying.

Saying one word in a new setting may not seem like a big moment to others.

But for a child with Selective Mutism, it can feel like climbing a mountain.

Seeing my child take those steps helped me realize how much courage they truly have.

I Learned the Power of Teamwork

Another thing I learned is that treatment for Selective Mutism works best when it is a team effort.

Parents, clinicians, teachers, and sometimes peers all play important roles.

As parents, we become part of the process. We learn strategies and practice them in everyday situations at home, in stores, at restaurants, and during social activities.

Over time, those everyday moments become opportunities for growth.

Gradually, communication begins to expand into new environments.

I Learned to Be More Compassionate

Perhaps the biggest lesson of all was learning to approach this journey with compassion.

For my child.

And for myself.

There were moments when I felt frustrated or worried. Moments when I wondered if I was doing enough. But I eventually realized that helping a child with Selective Mutism is not about being a perfect parent.

It is about being a patient one.

A Message to Other Parents

If your child has Selective Mutism, please know this.

You are not alone.

Many families have walked this path before you, and progress is possible.

The most important thing I learned is that children with Selective Mutism are not refusing to speak. They are communicating the best way they can in that moment.

With the right understanding, support, and strategies, their confidence and their voice can grow.

Sometimes the most unexpected part of this journey is realizing that while our children are learning to find their voice, we are learning to understand them in a deeper way than we ever imagined.