Parents Aren’t the Only Ones Who Can Look, Listen & Learn; Children and Teens Can Too!

By Dr. Elisa Shipon Blum

When helping children and teens with Selective Mutism (SM) or social communication anxiety, we often focus on what they can do in a social situation.

Can they answer the cashier?
Can they order their food?
Can they greet someone?
Can they respond when someone says, “Have a great day”?

But children don’t always need to practice by being the person communicating. Sometimes they can learn simply by watching.

That’s why I often encourage children and teens to Look, Listen & Learn.

Become a Social Communication Detective

Think about how much we learn about communication simply by observing other people. We watch what they do. We listen to what they say. We notice what happens next. Over time, we learn the unwritten patterns of everyday communication.

For a child with Selective Mutism or social communication anxiety, however, anxiety can interfere with this natural learning process. A child may be so focused on whether someone is going to talk to them, whether they will be expected to respond, or what they are supposed to say that they miss the interaction happening right in front of them.

So instead of always making the child the participant, sometimes make them the detective.

The goal isn’t to communicate. The goal is to notice.

Look 👀

The next time you’re checking out at a store, encourage your child to watch the person ahead of you.

What happens when they reach the cashier?
Does the cashier greet them?
Does the customer make eye contact?
Do they smile, nod, wave, or use another nonverbal response?
What happens while they are paying?
How does the interaction end?

You can do this almost anywhere: restaurants, stores, school events, sporting activities, birthday parties, elevators, hotels, ice cream shops, or while picking up takeout. There are social communication lessons happening all around us.

Listen 👂

Now listen to the words people use.

What did the cashier say?
What did the customer say back?
Did someone ask a question?
How did the other person respond?
What did they say when they were leaving?

Turn it into a little detective game:

“Let’s see how many people say ‘Have a great day’ today.”
“Listen to what people say when they’re leaving.”
“Let’s see what people say after someone says ‘thank you.’”

For older children and teens, you can make it even subtler:

“Listen to how people your age join a conversation.”
“Notice what someone says when they don’t know the answer.”
“Watch how people ask for something they need.”

Suddenly, everyday life becomes the classroom.

Learn 🧠

The most important step is helping the child discover what they learned. You might casually ask:

“What did you notice?”
“What were some of the responses you heard?”
“Did everyone answer the same way?”
“What could someone say in that situation?”

Notice the wording: What could someone say? We don’t necessarily need to ask, “What would YOU say?”

That subtle difference can matter. When anxiety is high, putting the child directly into the hypothetical situation can immediately increase pressure. Talking about what someone could say allows the child to learn from a safer distance.

There Is Usually More Than One “Right” Response

Look, Listen & Learn also teaches an important lesson: there usually isn’t one perfect thing to say.

If five people hear, “Have a great day,” your child might hear five different responses:

“You too!”
“Thanks!”
“Thank you, you too.”
“You as well.”
Or simply a smile and wave.

This is especially valuable for children and teens who hesitate because they are worried about saying the “right” thing. Social communication isn’t a script with one correct answer. By observing others, children begin building a mental library of possible responses.

Observation IS Practice

Parents sometimes feel that an outing wasn’t successful if their child didn’t speak or communicate directly. But practice doesn’t always need to involve performance. Observation is practice too.

A child who watches several people order ice cream is learning how ordering works. A child who listens to classmates greet one another is learning how greetings happen. A child who notices how people respond when someone holds the door is learning about social reciprocity. A teen who observes how peers enter and exit conversations is gathering valuable information about social timing.

They are learning even when they aren’t yet doing.

From Passenger to Driver

I often talk about helping children move from being the passenger to becoming the driver of their own social communication. Look, Listen & Learn can be an important part of that process.

At first, the child may simply watch a parent navigate an interaction. Next, they intentionally observe other people. Then they begin predicting what might happen:

“What do you think the cashier will say?”
“What are some things the customer could say back?”

Later, they might participate nonverbally. Then perhaps respond. Eventually, they may initiate. The goal isn’t to rush from watching to talking. The goal is to build the understanding, comfort, and confidence that make communication more likely.

Parents, Educators, and Children Can All Look, Listen & Learn

We often teach parents and educators to Look, Listen & Learn so they can better understand a child’s social communication needs. But children and teens can use the same strategy themselves. And that’s powerful because it gives them something active to do without putting them on the spot.

Instead of “You need to say thank you,” try “Let’s listen to what people say when someone gives them something.”
Instead of “You need to order your own ice cream,” try “Let’s watch a few people order and see how they do it.”
Instead of “Say goodbye,” try “Let’s notice all the different ways people say goodbye.”

The pressure decreases, but the learning continues.

Look. Listen. Learn. Then Try.

For children and teens with Selective Mutism, progress is about much more than getting words out. It is about building the foundations that help communication emerge:

Comfort → Connection → Confidence → Communication

Sometimes the best way to prepare a child to communicate is to remove the expectation to communicate and give them permission to simply observe. Let them watch. Let them listen. Let them become curious. Make them the social communication detective rather than the person on the spot.

Because the more children understand the patterns of everyday communication, the more predictable the social world becomes. And when the social world becomes more predictable, it often becomes less intimidating.

Before we expect children to know what to say or do, give them opportunities to Look, Listen & Learn.