By Dr. Elisa Shipon Blum

For many children and teens with Selective Mutism (SM), communication becomes easier when they are doing something enjoyable with a peer they know and like. A supportive peer can bring comfort, connection, motivation, and just enough distraction to reduce the intense focus on speaking.

This is why thoughtfully involving peers can be such a powerful part of treatment. When an experience feels like play, teamwork, or a shared mission—not a test of whether the child will speak—communication often develops more naturally.

Why Peers Can Help

Children often feel more relaxed and excited when they are with peers they enjoy. Rather than concentrating on the adults watching them or wondering whether they are expected to talk, they can focus on the activity and on being together.

A carefully chosen peer can help:

  • Increase comfort and connection
  • Lower anxiety and self-consciousness
  • Shift attention away from speaking
  • Provide a natural communication model
  • Add fun, energy, and motivation
  • Turn planned exposures into shared experiences rather than pressured tasks

Peers can become an important source of social engagement fuel—the comfort, interest, and motivation that help a child move forward on the Social Communication Bridge®.

From “You Need to Talk” to “Let’s Do This Together”

Parents and professionals can create what I call a silent goal exposure: the adults know the communication goal, but it is not repeatedly announced, discussed, or placed directly on the child.

For example, a parent might plan a scavenger hunt in a store that eventually creates an opportunity to ask an employee where an item is located. When a peer joins the activity, the exposure becomes a game. The children are concentrating on finding the next clue, collecting points, or completing the mission—not on whether the child with SM will speak.

The goal is not to trick or force the child. The child should understand the general plan and feel emotionally safe. The “silent” part means that adults avoid spotlighting the speaking goal or turning the interaction into a public performance.

With peers, the motivation also changes. The child is no longer communicating primarily to satisfy a parent or therapist. They are participating because they want to play, help their teammate, finish the activity, or enjoy the experience together.

Examples of Peer-Based Exposures

🛍️ Store Scavenger Hunt

  • Two children work together to locate several items. If they cannot find something, they approach an employee together and ask for help. Depending on the child’s baseline Stage of Communication, the peer may ask first, the children may speak together, or the child with SM may use a prepared question independently.

🍦 Ice Cream Shop

  • The child approaches the counter with a peer to order. Parents remain nearby but appear occupied and avoid hovering, prompting, or watching too closely. A simple prepared script—such as “Chocolate, please” and “Thank you”—can reduce processing demands and make the interaction more predictable.

🎨 Project-Supply Mission

  • Peers plan an art, baking, science, or building project and shop together for the necessary materials. The project provides a meaningful reason to find items, make decisions, answer questions, and communicate with one another or with store employees.

🏆 Points and Teamwork Game

  • Children earn points together for completing tasks, locating clues, greeting someone, answering a Common Question, or asking for information. Keep the scoring lighthearted and team-based. The focus should be on participation, engagement, and progression—not a contest over who talks the most.

🎤 Peer Interviews or Surveys

  • Using a short list of prepared questions, the child and a peer interview familiar adults, relatives, office staff, or community members. They can take turns asking questions, record the answers, or present what they learned. Predictability and shared roles can make reciprocal communication easier.

Choosing the Right Peer

Not every peer will be the right match.

The most helpful peer is usually someone the child enjoys, trusts, and feels relatively comfortable around. A supportive peer should be patient and friendly without speaking for the child too quickly, demanding a response, or announcing that the child “doesn’t talk.” Before an activity, adults can briefly coach the peer to:

  • Keep the interaction friendly and natural
  • Allow extra response time
  • Avoid saying, “Come on—just talk!”
  • Refrain from calling attention to whether the child speaks
  • Model the task or go first when helpful
  • Celebrate the shared activity—not the act of speaking

The peer does not need to become a therapist. Their most important role is simply to be a comfortable, encouraging companion.

Meet the Child Where They Are

Peer involvement should always be based on the child’s current baseline Stage of Communication and their individual WHYs—the factors that make communication difficult in a particular person, place, or situation.

For one child, success may mean joining the activity and using nonverbal communication. Another child may answer the peer but not the store employee. A child using transitional strategies might:

  • Read a prepared question
  • Speak simultaneously with the peer
  • Use a Verbal Intermediary®
  • Progress through a Handover/Takeover™ process
  • Use a script before initiating independently

Another child may already be ready to approach someone and speak independently. All of these can represent meaningful progress. The goal is to move forward in manageable steps—not too far back and not too far forward.

If the activity is too easy, it may not create an opportunity for growth. If it is too difficult, anxiety may rise and communication may shut down.

The Adult’s Role: Prepare, Then Step Back

Adults remain essential, but their role changes during peer-based exposures.

Parents and professionals prepare the environment, choose an appropriate activity, anticipate obstacles, and identify strategies that match the child’s needs. Once the activity begins, adults should reduce their presence whenever it is safe and appropriate.

That may mean:

  • Sitting at another table
  • Browsing nearby
  • Talking with another adult
  • Looking occupied rather than watching closely
  • Allowing the children to approach the counter together

This purposeful “hanging back” reduces the child’s sense of being observed or evaluated. It also gives the peer interaction room to develop naturally.

Look, Listen, and Learn

Adults should observe without hovering and consider:

  • What helped the child feel comfortable?
  • When did engagement increase?
  • Which strategies supported communication?
  • Did the child communicate more when adults stepped back?
  • Was the peer helpful without becoming overly involved?
  • What should the next small, realistic step be?

Discuss the experience later in a calm, matter-of-fact way. Avoid an overly excited reaction such as:

“You talked! I can’t believe it!”

Although well-intended, a strong reaction can make the child feel watched and increase pressure during the next interaction. Instead, reinforce effort, participation, problem-solving, and teamwork:

“You and Maya worked together to find everything on the list.”

Or:

“You used your plan and completed the mission together.”

Why This Approach Works

Peers offer:

  • Comfort
  • Connection
  • Distraction and fun
  • Natural communication models
  • Genuine reasons to participate

Parents can step back, reducing the feeling of expectation. Predictable activities and prepared strategies lower processing demands. Most importantly, the child has an opportunity to practice communication while participating in something meaningful and enjoyable.

Progress then becomes a natural byproduct of connection, teamwork, and fun.

Tip for Parents: “Hang back during exposures and let peers lead the way. Children often surprise everyone by doing more when they feel less pressure.” —Dr. E

When peer support is thoughtfully planned and individualized, it can help transform communication practice from something a child fears into something they genuinely want to be part of.

Comfort → Connection → Confidence → Communication