Episode 82 features a candid roundtable between Dr. Elisa Shipon-Blum and three families raising children with selective mutism, recorded live during a CommuniCamp weekend in August. With children ages 13, 8, and 6, each family is at a different point on the journey, but all share one question: how do we get our child ready for school?

During the course of this discussion, Dr. E and the parents explore how to prepare for a new school year, how to answer the dreaded question “why don’t you talk?”, and how the train ride and staircase analogies turn big goals into small steps. They also tackle homeschooling, school accommodations, and speech phobia.

Don’t Wait, Facilitate: Why Back-to-School Preparation Starts Before the First Day

The episode opens with each family introducing themselves: a couple whose 13-year-old has worked toward overcoming SM since 2017 and, despite a COVID-era setback, is now doing things that once seemed impossible, a mom whose eight-year-old has made headway everywhere except classroom settings, and a couple whose six-year-old is about to start a new school this fall. All came to build skills and learn strategies.

Dr. E notes that many questions begin with “how do I get my child to…,” but real progress depends on educating everyone around the child, especially the school. Her mantra: “Don’t wait, facilitate.” Kids don’t walk in on day one and ask their teacher for a buddy, so adults must put accommodations in place. That starts in summer: walk the halls, meet the teacher without turning it into an exposure, and send an About My Child letter.

She also urges parents to project positive feelings, because children soak up how we look and what we say. Validate the fear (“I can imagine this is pretty scary”), don’t dismiss or mirror it, and follow it with a plan. She has never met a child who completely regresses to complete mutism after making progress, and every child with SM qualifies for a 504 plan. One couple adds a tip: play to each parent’s strengths, with one organizing playdates and the other handling the pep talk.

Building the Village: Playdates, Video Calls, and Finding the Right Words for Other Parents

Dr. E acknowledges that not every family has a teammate, so she encourages every parent to flip to the positive and praise children for things that have nothing to do with social communication. The group also trades ideas for building connection before day one: restarting playdates with trusted friends, arranging a video call with the teacher and a few classmates, or using webinars when a child can speak in that setting but not in the school building. Dr. E warns that orientation can put 75 people in one room, so sit on the outskirts or arrange a separate visit, and ask the teacher to point out classmates with similar interests.

One parent asks how to explain SM to other adults in a brief encounter. Dr. E calls it a slippery slope, since “selective mutism” can scare people who don’t understand it. With a timid child, lean on shyness until you’re comfortable educating. She reassures listeners that SM is a social communication anxiety and that almost all of these kids become confident verbal communicators. One parent shares the email they sent their son’s teacher, with a photo and a list of what he loves, explaining that “his words get stuck” and giving other families a heads-up so classmates don’t take it personally.

Words Get Stuck: Reframing SM, Answering “Why Don’t You Talk?”, and Handing Control Back to the Child

Dr. E prefers “difficulty using words” or “words don’t come out” over selective mutism, a confusing name that implies a child is choosing or refusing when it’s really a social communication anxiety. The About My Child worksheet, on the resource page at selectivemutismcenter.org, helps present a child’s strengths first.

When classmates ask, “Why don’t you talk?”, one mom says her son, who comes across as the class clown, feels extra pressure. Dr. E explains he has the speech phobia presentation, stuck against the nonverbal wall, and offers two steps. First, have him write or draw a pretend letter to the kids who ask, with no need to send it. Second, if he’s comfortable, have the teacher explain that everyone has something scary or hard, then highlight what he can do.

Dr. E also shares that her daughter Sophie wrote a book from her own point of view for her bat mitzvah project, which is where Unspoken Words gets its name. The through-line is control: research on S-CAT® showed progress comes from transferring control to the child instead of saying “you need to” and “you should.” When one parent says their daughter clams up on the way to school, Dr. E points to car rides and bedtime as the best moments to talk. And for the family that says “don’t worry, you never have to talk,” she says it makes her blood curdle: the real message is that this is hard and scary, but we’re working toward it.

The Train Ride and the Staircase: Small Steps, Honest Talk About Homeschooling, and What School Support Really Takes

For a child who can’t talk in bigger groups, Dr. E introduces the train ride. Start in the first car with the teacher and one or two peers, let the child check off “I can do it,” then add two more kids at each stop until the whole class is on board. She pairs it with a staircase: nobody asks how to get to the second floor, they take steps, and the Social Communication Bridge® works the same way. Start where the child can succeed, and bridge down when a setting is loud, large, or full of people. Kids should own the process, too: at camp they make their own feelings charts and bridges, because it’s their bridge, not the adults’. One mom keeps practice fun by asking whether her son would answer “Hi, how are you?” with “I like watermelons.”

On homeschooling, Dr. E is not against it, as long as there are frequent, regular social communication opportunities with similar-age peers, because you can’t learn a skill without practice. One parent adds that she would consider it only with a strong co-op nearby. On school support, accommodations must be specific to the child. SM qualifies for a 504 at minimum, though depending on severity and state, an IEP may be needed, and an aide or shadow can help teach staff how to facilitate.

Meeting Kids Where They Are: Feelings Charts, School Advocacy, and Understanding Speech Phobia

A dad shares that a zero-to-five feelings chart helps when his son can’t put an experience into words, and that the real conversations happen at 10:30 at night in bed. He also shares his own fears, rating them (“I felt four when this happened”), so his son knows he isn’t alone. Dr. E says she could tear up: he is meeting his son where he is, rather than using “you need to, you should” language.

On advocacy, Dr. E reminds one family that schools can’t simply deny a child with a doctor’s diagnosis, and says the SMart Center trains schools with facts rather than emotion, checking in every few months with the SM School Eval Form. Without that training, school becomes a huge missing piece: kids progress in the real world, but school lags.

One mom says her eight-year-old has made immense progress everywhere but school, where he feels stuck, and that at four he went about two months without speaking to his parents. She is hopeful that educating the school on micro steps will help. Dr. E explains that many children are so stuck on the nonverbal wall that even a trip to Disney can’t get them talking: they aren’t unwilling, they are speech phobic. The ritual sound approach helps shape fun sounds like whispers and animal noises into words, and one child at camp can say “hop, hop, hop” but freezes at “cat” because it’s a real word. The path forward: involve the child in building his bridge, find a trained key person at school, and bring in peers and relatives.

Key Takeaways from Episode 82

  • Preparation starts in summer: walk the halls, meet the teacher, and send an About My Child letter
  • Validate fear without mirroring it, then pair it with a plan
  • “Words get stuck” is a clearer, less scary way to explain SM to classmates and other parents
  • Give children control over their own story and their own bridge
  • Break big goals into steps with the train ride, the staircase, and micro steps
  • Homeschooling works only with frequent peer practice, and shouldn’t be an escape
  • School supports must be specific, with a 504 at minimum, an IEP if needed, and staff training built on facts
  • Speech phobia calls for the ritual sound approach and a trained key person at school

Final Thoughts

Back to school can feel like the biggest hurdle of the year, but the work starts long before the first bell: walking the halls in August, finding the right words for classmates, handing children control, and breaking every goal into steps small enough to climb. As Dr. E reminds us, the message to every child is honest: this is really hard and scary, but we’re working towards it, so it’s not hard and scary.