Episode 78 features a discussion between Dr. Elisa Shipon-Blum and Dr. Jenna Blum, Director and lead clinical psychologist at the SMart Center’s Counseling and Assessments department, on the power of preparation — and why simple action plans can dramatically lower anxiety and unlock communication for children, teens, and adults with Selective Mutism.

Dr. E and Dr. Jenna explain why the fear of the unknown fuels anxiety to the point of shutdown, why a child can be thrilled about an event all week yet go silent on arrival, and why “just be brave and talk” asks the wrong thing. They walk through building a who-what-where action plan, bringing a child into conversation at any stage on the Social Communication Bridge®, roadmapping overwhelming events, and making preparation an everyday habit.

He Was Excited All Week, Then Shut Down at the Door: Why Uncertainty Fuels Anxiety & “Just Be Brave” Falls Short

Episode 78 opens with a scene every SM family knows: a 12-year-old is thrilled about a birthday party all week, then shuts down the moment he walks in. His parents are baffled — they offered rewards and reminders. Dr. E backs it up and asks why. Did he know where he was going? No — an art studio. Did he know who’d be there? No — a neighborhood party, not his class. There had been no preparation — he didn’t know the place, the people, or the questions, and wasn’t involved in getting ready. He was caught off guard, one of the hardest things for this population.

Dr. Jenna explains why that uncertainty hits so hard. Families often think “my child just won’t speak,” missing the underlying processing challenges driving the silence. Many are slow to retrieve and organize their thoughts, so an unexpected question leaves them still processing as the moment moves on. Add perfectionism — you can’t be “perfect” in a situation you can’t predict — plus social anxiety and sometimes an underlying ADHD, and a gathering can feel flooded with overwhelm. Preparation does the opposite — it puts a child back in the present and lowers the temperature. An unprepared situation might feel like a 5 out of 5 on the feelings chart, while a rehearsed class presentation lands at a 4. That’s why “just be brave” misses the point — bravery isn’t the missing ingredient. Preparation is.

Who, What, Where: What an Action Plan Actually Is & the One Step Families Always Skip

At the heart of the SMart Center’s work: it’s not about getting someone to talk, but helping them feel comfortable, confident, and supported — because communication follows. Dr. E describes the action plan as plain questions asked in advance: Where are we going? Who’s going to be there? What’s the event? What might be asked, and what’s your answer? What can I ask others? The older the individual, the more they build it themselves; Dr. Jenna makes one nearly every session. And the opportunities are everywhere — a graduation, a family barbecue, a first time at camp.

The step families most often skip is naming who will be there — because different people ask different things. A same-age cousin asks about your summer; an aunt or uncle asks how school went; a server asks something else again. Dr. Jenna sees it constantly: a client says, “We prepared questions ahead,” and she asks, “But did you think about who was going to be there?” Usually the answer is no — and that’s exactly where the shutdown happened: the child was ready for rehearsed questions, but not the one Uncle asked unexpectedly. Mapping the people first makes the plan specific enough to work.

Bringing Your Child Into the Conversation: How the SM Triangle, Copy-Back, and Sandwich Questions Lower Anxiety at Every Stage

Parents sometimes jump to medication, but Dr. E redirects: it’s the strategies that build confidence and connection — so a child knows what, when, and where — that lower anxiety. Copy-back turns “Hi, how are you?” into “Good, how are you?”; “I am” and “I just” statements give a ready frame. Many can do these when relaxed but forget under discomfort, so they’re practiced through games for younger kids and worksheets for older ones. When a child can’t yet initiate, the SM triangle and a verbal intermediary bring them in through a trusted third person — a parent says, “I know we had some questions for you, Riley,” and the child can answer aloud, whisper it for the parent to relay, point to a list, or nod — each honoring a stage on the bridge.

One of Dr. E’s favorite tools is the sandwich question: every plan starts with “Hi, how are you?” and ends with “Bye, have a great day,” with the real questions tucked inside. Young kids use sandwich toys or drawings; adults sketch different ones for Starbucks versus a barbecue. Once rote, the visuals fall away — what works at Starbucks works at Dunkin’. The principle: the more we prepare, the less the brain must think and process in the moment. As Dr. E puts it, it isn’t purely about bravery — when you’re anxious you don’t process well, the way you’d freeze if a stranger asked you to explain global warming. But when someone already knows the questions and responses, their brain has less work to do: they shut down less, respond faster, and connect more easily.

From Birthday Parties to Airport Security: Real-World Roadmaps That Turn the Unknown Into Confidence

Dr. E distinguishes two roadmaps: the social communication action plan — who’s there, what they ask, what you’ll say — and the schedule-of-events roadmap, the itinerary of what happens next. Kids already live by the second at school; recreating that predictability for an outing is just as grounding. Dr. E shares a 13-year-old meeting friends in the city for her birthday: they mapped what she’d say and which stores they’d visit, so she had a literal map that made her feel secure — plus a plan for back home. Dr. Jenna adds a teen who ranked six activities favorite to least, opening with baking — her most confident skill — because starting with comfort sets the tone.

Dr. E returns to a quiet truth: courage isn’t loud — it can be subtle. When a child melts down, avoids, or goes quiet, they’re telling you something; “look, listen, and learn” is how you read it. The same logic powers travel. An airport is hard because it’s unknown and full of questions — so families map it: dropping bags, the ticket counter, security, and a letter if the child can’t verbalize. The goal is participation at whatever level a child can manage — the alternative is leaving them the “passenger in the car,” never building skills. Frontline™, Handover/Take-over™, choice, the SM triangle — these develop only when a child is brought into encounters. As Dr. E asks, if we never let people ask them questions, when will they ever answer?

Make It Everyday: How Structure, Routine, and Reviewing the Wins Make Action Plans Effortless

Families worry an action plan means 30 minutes a day; Dr. Jenna reframes it as part of everyday life. A car ride to the store is a chance to ask, “Who might be there? What could they ask?” A restaurant is ideal: the questions are predictable, with room for initiation like asking for a straw. Once routine, it’s effortless, and plans overlap so much kids start running them in their heads. Dr. E ties this to her foundation: structure, consistency, routine, and predictability create control and calm. A family calendar the child fills in and checks off keeps everyone oriented — because springing a Saturday appointment with no warning is a recipe for disaster. She suggests a low-key day to review the week upbeat — one family chose Sunday at 4:00 — and dropping “you need to” and “you should,” which push anxious kids away.

Even the best plan can’t script everything — that’s where bridging down comes in. When an off-topic question lands, there’s nothing wrong with a parent offering a choice (“the Grand Canyon or Costa Rica?”) or answering in the moment, since sometimes a child simply can’t remember, and that’s not SM. Just as important is reviewing each event afterward: what went well and why, what didn’t and why. Was it loud and crowded? Was the child tired or hungry? Talking it through helps a child feel proud without feeling defeated — and sharpens a caregiver’s instincts for what to do, when, and how. That’s “look, listen, and learn” in practice, building more good days than not. Eventually, preparation is so woven into life that no one thinks about it — and that’s how change, and progress, happen.

Key Takeaways from Episode 78

  •       Uncertainty drives anxiety — processing challenges, perfectionism, and hidden ADHD turn unprepared moments into shutdowns
  •       “Just be brave and talk” asks the wrong thing — preparation, not pressure, frees communication
  •       An action plan maps who, what, and where — and naming who will be there is the step most often skipped
  •       Strategies, not medication, lower anxiety — copy-back, “I am / I just,” the SM triangle, and sandwich questions
  •       Roadmaps work everywhere — from a city birthday to airport security — and starting with a child’s most confident activity builds comfort
  •       Structure, consistency, routine, and predictability create calm — a family calendar and weekly check-in make preparation effortless
  •       Review every event with “look, listen, and learn” — what worked, what didn’t, and why — because behavior is communication

Final Thoughts

Preparation isn’t about controlling every variable — it’s about shrinking the unknown until a child has room to connect. As Dr. E and Dr. Jenna remind listeners, when someone knows what, when, and where, their brain has less work to do, anxiety drops, and communication follows. Wherever you are in the journey, the next event is a chance to prepare, try, and learn — one small, confident step at a time.